James King

Last week I published my view that outcomes and intentions are different things and that this realisation makes life a lot easier.

But even with this in mind there is a trap that I still fall into sometimes:

The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has occurred

George Bernard Shaw

Sometimes it is a simple matter of not being present.

• I assume that since I said something, everyone heard it and understood it.
• I listen just long enough to know what to say and then wait to talk.

I am aware of this and I think I catch myself out now days more often than I fall into the trap.

Sometimes it is just a touch more complicated, where we both participated in a discussion and assumed we had agreed. Perhaps we even said we agree … but later I realise that you are not acting in the way I expect and then you protest that I remember the discussion poorly.

Explicitly validating views at the end, which I remember to do some of the time. Often enough to do OK but not often enough to be immune to being surprised by predictable misunderstandings.

However, sometimes there is a more nefarious problem that it is easy to completely miss.

We often ask each other to expand on what was said, but don’t go one step further to understand how people came to the view they have.

Even harder perhaps, is to uncover the assumptions that come into the thinking of others. And even harder than that, I find, is to clarify the assumptions that I am making as people talk.

I guess uncovering all assumptions would be a herculean effort, but questioning the odd assumption has proven to be easier, at least for me.

I tried a couple of innocent questions to uncover the thinking of others, and perhaps the easiest approach was to simply ask “how did you come to form that view?”.

On occasion, I have tried a slightly more challenging question, but it has not proven anywhere near as controversial as I thought it would be:

“I have generally thought at (my assumption), but this seems to be a different perspective. I’m curious to learn how you got there.”

James King, feeling controversial but finding people are quite open

What has been a little more challenging for me, has been to be open with the assumptions that I am making. Both when I disagree with what (I think) you are saying, and when I think we are in agreement.

So as an experiment I have tried to ask myself questions a couple of times. One of them is to ask:

• Does that make sense to me? If not then what assumption could I make that would actually make it true and sensible?
• I agree with that, they seem pretty smart. But if I was going to disagree, what assumptions or scenarios would cause me to do so?

I have not radically changed my thinking yet, nor tackled any particularly difficult conflicts lately. But I have been surprised at my own thinking in a couple of instances.

Mostly I have been surprised at generalisations or about how little I know about the things I have opinions on. So it has been more a fun, curious activity than a game changer.

So if you come across me and either agree, disagree or assume I know what I am agreeing to, please feel free to ask questions about the assumptions I am making along the way. It will probably slow the conversation down a little, but if you know me then (I assume) you would see that I prefer rich conversations to quick, flippant ones anyway.